I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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