Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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