I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think my moral compass just broke
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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