onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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