In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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