dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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