Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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