No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
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Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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