Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were trust falling into bushes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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