Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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