I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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