I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
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They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
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You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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