I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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