You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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