guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize