I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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