did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize