this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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