11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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