I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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