omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the day after is always just damage control
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He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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