is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
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I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
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I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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