I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
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just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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