Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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