one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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