Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
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So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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