then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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