I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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