I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
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so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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