Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize