walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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