why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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