Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
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The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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