I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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