Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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