grandma shit on top of the toilet
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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