if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize