We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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