i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
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"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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