You're completely useless in the revolution.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
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If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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