Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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