I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize