my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The Olympian is in my bed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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