You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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