Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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