Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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