I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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