also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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You are the jesus of drinking
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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