I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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