I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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